Dreaming Jasi

I dream again last night about Jasi - I do not know if it is a dream or a nightmare. I awake, in the deep silent dark of the mountains, my hands cradling his sweet little head.

He is snuggled against me, I am holding him, focusing my energy on healing him. At first I think I am preventing the lesions from moving into his brain. Then my fears alert me to my attempts to provide security for him, reassurance, a safe womb; and alert me to his tears, his frustration, his inability to understand why his brain is not functioning as it used to.

And I am filled with terror that the LCH has spread, that my hands are desperately trying to minimize the impact of the lesions advancing in his brain, and I feel myself slipping into resignation to my failure of saving him, of destroying the lesions, of protecting his brilliance.

This fear must have been what jolts me awake. I resume holding his head, focusing on healing him, advanced or delayed, detoured or destroyed, healing jasi.

Dream Nitemare. Nitemare Dream.

This distance is so very painful, I hope I will learn to minimize the pain for myself.