...trapped in white patriarchy

Recently I had the interaction below with a white female facebook friend who responded to my post pissed off with Biden for selecting Kerry - yet another old white male - to be part of his cabinet. She said she'd rather have a progressive old white man than a young Black conservative. I said fortunately those were not our only two choses.

I then sent her an invite to our weekly zoom "What Will White Womyn Do To End Racism?" This is the dialogue that ensued. One reason I post these dialogues is for feedback: how would you handle this? Are there ways that you can see to be more effective? Nancy is in blue

Nancy: No thanks.  I work with thoughtful, reflective white women working on dismantling white supremacy.  You are just swinging a bat and not even asking POC if they want your kind of destructive help.  You are not helping anything.  You’re being harmful.  You are not a good ally to anyone

Me: & you can tell so much about me thru what? A few fb comments? If you feel so strongly that I'm lacking true anti-racist perspective, your participation is even more vital, especially as an experienced anti-racist you'd surely want to keep me from harming Black & brown people & help me understand what a good white ally is supposed to look like & to be/

Nancy: You have so much anger.  I understand why but expressing it with a hammer is not productive.  Anger hammering lacks reflectivity, empathy, and complexity - introduces more hatred into this world.  No thanks, that’s not the path that will solve any issues.  That’s the path of planetary destruction

Me: I understand Nancy - as womyn, even including white womyn, we are not supposed to express anger. But you are soooo right. I am enraged. How do you feel about white supremacy, white privilege, racism? I also understand fear of anger - for men express their anger by becoming violent. I understand the many different ways white people have to embrace anti-racism action. I do believe in grabbing our privilege like a bat & swinging it at racism, misogyny, injustice. Acknowledging feelings re:racism, even anger & guilt & shame, only fine tune our anti-racism effectiveness. I swing that hammer & use any tool accessible to me not just in solidarity & love for Black & brown especially womyn, but also for white especially sisters - for smashing racism is the ONLY way white people can regain our humanity. I'm glad you are working your way to your satisfaction & increased productivity. Thank you for continuing the conversation.

Nancy: Your anger at the expense of our colored sisters and brothers.  BLM organizers have told white supporters to knock it off.  That is your white privilege speaking

ME: So your speaking for the "coloreds"??? How white of you.

Just the fact that your referencing BLM shows how new you are to recognizing & addressing racism. Racism & anti-racism existed long before BLM.

Nancy: I’m not new.  But you are not a good ally for anyone with your hatred and anger - except those on the far right who spew just as much anger and hatred

Me: It is not your call, nor mine, whether I am a "good" or "ally". My biological & chosen family hold me accountable. I really think your making judgments on your own suppositions & notions - & you're so sure of your judgments you're not willing 2 explore further nor are you open to maybe considering there might be something of white fragility in how you experience me.

Nancy: 

Anger and hatred are a privilege.  Your white privilege

Me: Oh for fucks sake Nancy. Anger & hatred are normal human feelings. I asked you already &you haven't answered: how do YOU feel about racism?

Nancy: Anger is a powerful energy.  I channel mine and work with a wonderful group of intelligent, thoughtful, reflective white women working on dismantling white supremacy, especially our own implicit biases.  Your anger is destructive because it’s full of hate and attacks everything around you.  That is white privilege.

Me: & superiority & inferiority are also part of racism. I'm glad you've found a group to work with that makes you feel productive. Maybe I'm a 50 year failure at combating racism. I'll share your thoughts & feelings with the fierce, thoughtful, deeply committed white womyn who are on our zooms & see how we can grow together.

& fyi - these are the kind of important discussions we have on zoom.

Nancy: So go back to your group.  Once I saw your FB comments I knew your group would not be constructive or productive

You are not a good teacher, except as one who teaches hatred and a destructive expression of anger.  That is the same old tools of white patriarchy.  You are not changing anything

Me: Maybe so. Or maybe it's so much clearer what I'm doing & need than what you need & are doing. Obviously you are also a much better woman than me. In rage & love, Xan

Nancy: You are trapped in white patriarchy

Really? And who is not?